Eric Wayne's Brain

Merry Festivas!!!!

2006-12-12T13:44:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

The kids are all busy decorating the old Festivas chair
In hopes that Noah and the Ark would soon sail by there
Josh wants some camo and Ty does too
No problem for Noah, cause they all come in two's

The roads are all flooded after the winter's first snow melt
Perfect sailing weather for Noah and his Ark full of animal pelts
Noah loads his cannon chock full of toys
And shoots the presents down the chimney for all the good girls and boys

As the mermaids pull Noah's Ark down the street
The smell of the holidays fill the air, MMMMMM BBQ meat
Vixen and Dancer and the other 7 mermaids are all hopped up on Skoal
Ready to end the trip and dance around the pole

So another year the Ark sails outta site
One again Noah and the mermaids made everything alright
And as all the children around the world scream and cheer
Noah can be heard exclaiming: "Merry Festivas to all.......now get me a beer!!!"

Eric

I Got Me A Stalker

2006-11-17T13:52:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

I tried to take out a restraining order on an obsessed fan today but the cops wouldn't let me. She's a crazy stalker but the reason the cops wouldn't let me file a restraining order is because she's in a wheel chair. It's getting down right scary for me. Everywhere I go I see her scooting down the sidewalks in front of the building and lately when I'm sleeping I'm having nightmares about her coming at me in her scooter with a knife attached to the handlebars and she stabs me, then backs up and guns it again and again repeatedly stabbing me. Next time I see here I'm gonna slash her tires so she'll have to get a tow to follow me around.

Eric

So Long Terry LaBonte

2006-11-10T14:16:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

Anyone that knows me knows that I'm a HUGE NASCAR fan. Well, I spent Sunday November 5th in Fort Worth, Texas at the Texas Motor Speedway watching the NASCAR Nextel Cup race. It was Terry LaBonte’s last race after 29 years of NASCAR racing. Here’s some Terry LaBonte stats: 848 career NASCAR Cup starts with two championships, 22 victories, 27 pole positions, 182 top-five finishes and 361 top-10's. He’s posted a top-10 ranking in NASCAR's final standings 17 times. It was an honor to watch Terry race one last time. Above is a picture of me on pit road next to the garage at Texas Motor Speedway.

Thanx for the memories Terry,

Eric

My Girl Patches

2006-10-24T15:28:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I used to date this girl that had a patch over one eye. We had to break up though. Seems we just didn't see eye to eye!!!

Eric

Dizzy Chinese

2006-10-13T05:28:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

If you take an oriental person and spin him around till he gets dizzy, does he become dis-oriented?

Eric

Stripper Minister

2006-09-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I used to know this stripper and she became a preacher. She'd always end her sermons with the same quote: "Keep the Lord on top and the guys on the bottom."

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Eric

Wyatt The Cable Kidd

2006-08-31T12:11:00.000-07:00

Hay,

Here's a picture of me and my good buddy Larry The Cable Guy fartin' around on his tour bus. And let me tell ya, if you know Larry, all you do around him is fart around. Larry just had a baby. Congrats to the Cable Guy and the Cable Wife. The little tykes name: Wyatt. Congrats to the Cable Guy, Cable Wife and Wyatt The Cable Kidd!!!!

Eric

New Boat

2006-08-10T14:06:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I just got a new boat. I can't wait to try her out.............It's a gravy boat. My wife's worried that I'll chip it.

Eric

Old Honky Tonk

2006-08-03T13:41:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I went to a honky tonk the other night. Now, I'm not saying that the folks there were old but it was "Bring you reading glasses, get in free night."

Eric

Happy Birthday Boy!!!

2006-07-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

Hay,

Today is my youngest son Ty's Birthday. That's a picture of him of the left there being "normal." He's a whopping 6 years old today. So.....I thought I'd throw in a joke that any upstanding six year old would love:

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue?..
and then you add eggs
and sugar...
and you get cake?
Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?

You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake stick to your BUTT!!!

Happy Birthday Ty!!!!!

Dad - Eric

New Gay Pick Up Line

2006-07-21T15:10:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

Guys. If ya ever find yourself in a gay bar and you wanna pick up some other guy, try this one on him.

"Hay there. Would you like me to impact your colon?"

Comedy Ain't Pretty!!!

Eric

Take Me Out To The Stip Club

2006-07-13T14:43:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

Sung to the tune of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame"

Take me out to the strip club
Take me out with the whores
Buy me some liquor and a table dance
I don't care if they all have implants
Cause it's root, root, root for some boners
I think I'm getting a chub
Cause it's one, two, three dykes I'm out
To the old strip club!!!

Dedicated to my favorite strip club The Angry Beaver!!!

Eric

God Bless America!!!

2006-07-05T13:29:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

Well, yesterday was the 4th of July, Independence Day. I took my family out exercising. Yep, we exercised our 2nd Amendment right to bare arms. We went out to my gun club in the hills of Oklahoma and shot rifles, pistols and shotguns all day. Long live the NRA. This is a picture of me and one of my sons shooting.

God Bless America!!!

Eric

High Definition Truckin"

2006-06-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

One of my uppity friends just got himself a big screen high definition plasma TV. Well, not to be outdone, I joined in on the high definition craze. I just got me a new high definition CB Radio. Now I can hear them truckers as clear as day. Sounds like I’m right there in the cab with ‘em.

That’s a big 10-4 Good Buddy!!!

Eric

New Belt

2006-06-13T14:05:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

My wife’s van was making a real loud squeaking noise so she took it to the mechanic. Turns out it needs a new belt. And knowing my wife, she’ll get a new buckle and purse to accent the belt.

JC Penny here we come!!!

Eric

Mom Goes A Skippin'

2006-06-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I got my Mom this great new CD Walkman for Mother's Day a few weeks ago. I asked her yesterday how she liked listening to music while she was out walking. She told me she took it back to Wal-Mart and got a refund cause the cd player said "anti-skip" on it. I told her that was a standard feature on that model. My Mom then told me that she sometimes likes to skip along to the songs while she's out walking so she needed a new cd player that would allow her to do that.

Moms: Gotta love 'em!!!

Eric

Bicycle Wreck

2006-05-24T09:10:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I had a bad bicycle wreck this morning. All the skin is gone off my right leg as well as both hands and all the fake leather got burned off my new pair of $9 Walmart tennis shoes. I was riding just a little to fast when the bike dumped over and I skidded along the concrete to a stop. Totally my fault but that fitness club oughta put some carpet samples under those stationary bikes.

Bicycle! Bicycle! All I wanna do is bicycle! - Queen

Eric

Deaf Folks And Trains

2006-05-17T12:19:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

In the news the other day I saw a story about the Miss Deaf Teen USA getting hit by a train. Seems this girl lives in Texas and she was walking down the railroad tracks (not the smartest thing to do when you’re deaf) and the train came up and hit her from behind and killed her. CNN interviewed the conductor of the train and he said that they’d been blowing the train whistle for about a mile or so and he didn’t know why she didn’t move out of the way. Hell, throwing rocks would have worked better since she couldn’t hear. That makes about as much sense as Richard Simmons reading Hustler Magazine. Anyway, here’s some advice for ya: if you’re deaf, don’t walk down the railroad tracks…..but if ya are deaf and you find yourself walking on some railroad tracks…………turn around every once in a while.

“I hear the train a comin’ it’s rollin’ ‘round the bend” - Johnny Cash.

Eric

Rear Air

2006-05-10T14:45:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

Got a new car…it’s got rear air. Come to think of it….so do I.

Eric

Fat Chicks

2006-05-03T15:02:00.000-07:00

Hay Gang,

I used to date this fat chick but it didn't last. She broke my heart...................and collapsed my lung!!!!!

Fat Bottom Girls you make the rockin' world go round!!!!!

Eric

Food Rooster

2006-04-24T14:48:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

Hope you all had a great Easter and got lotsa eggs from the Easter Bunny. I grew up on a farm and we never had the Easter Bunny. Instead we had the Food Rooster. On Easter morning we'd wake up and find that the Food Rooster left us goodies like beef jerky, crackers and tacos.

Food Rooster Rules!!!!!!

Eric

Cross Eyed Stripper

2006-04-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I went to the strip club the other night and they had a cross eyed stripper there. I paid her three times for a lap dance and each time she ended up dancing for the guy that was sittin' next to me!!!

Just like Van Morrison sang: "My Cross Eyed Girl"

Eric

Jesus Take The Wheel

2006-04-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

You know that new Carrie Underwood song "Jesus Take The Wheel?" Well, I have a good Mexican buddy of mine named Jesus. The other day we were riding around in my truck when I jokingly said "Hey Jesus take the wheel." Well, turns out he took the wheel......................and my hubcaps!!!

Chalupa grande,

Eric

In The Raw

2006-03-27T13:57:00.000-08:00

Hay gang

I got kicked out of a Sushi eatin’ place earlier today. There’s a Sushi Bar here in Tulsa called “In The Raw.” I thought it was an all nude strip club. I went in there and a hot Asian girl told me to sit down and so I did. When she came back over I asked her for a Budweiser and a lap dance. I told her to put “Free Bird” from Lynyrd Skynyrd on the jukebox. That song is like 10 minutes long so you get more bang for your buck. She seemed a little confused but walked away to go put her stripper clothes I thought. When she came back she was still dressed the same and she gave me some raw fish to eat. I told her that I wasn’t interested in eating any cut bait but that I wanted her to give me a lap dance so I could see her “Red Snapper.” All hell broke loose after that and I ended up running out of there with a big Asian cook with a meat cleaver hot on my tail.

Next stop: The Strip Mall!!!

Eric

Best Day EVER!!!

2006-03-15T13:11:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

Here's a picture of me and Merle Haggard. Last Friday I went out shootin' my new shotgun in the morning. That evening I hung out on Merle Haggard's tour bus and he even signed my acoustic guitar.

Lookin' For A Place To Fall Apart (Merle Haggard)

Eric

The Angry Beaver

2006-03-07T14:25:00.000-08:00

Hay Gang,

The other day I started off to work and about halfway there I realized that I hadn’t eaten yet and had no money to get some food. So I stopped in at my favorite titty bar (The Angry Beaver) and had my fill of the free taco bar. Well…..when I went out to the parking lot I realized that I’d locked my keys in my truck. Can’t call my wife, she’d be pissed that I was at the topless bar. So, I go back inside and tell the management. Turns out one of the strippers had a coat hanger and heads out in the parking lot with me to unlock my truck door. Me and the head stripper down at the Angry Beaver in the parking lot with a coat hanger getting my truck door open. After she got my truck door open she took me inside and gave me a free lap dance. Man what a Monday!

Love that Angry Beaver!!!!

Eric

Gay Cowboy Song

2006-02-27T13:10:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

With the success of that gay cowboy movie "Brokeback Mountain" I figured I'd write me a gay cowboy song. It's to the Willie/Waylon tune "Mama's Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys"

Gay cowboys are easy to love and they love to be held
And they love to give you some dong if you’re locked up in jail
Rainbow belt buckles and pink holstered pistols
So each guy knows that he’s gay
And if you don’t understand him and he don’t get AIDS
He’ll try and do ya anyway

CHORUS:
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be gay cowboys
Don’t let ‘em suck weiners and have sex in the butt
Make ‘em be truckers and jailers and such
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be gay cowboys
Cause they'll never drink beer and that’s really queer
Cause they’re always packin’ their fudge

Gay cowboys love ridin’ bareback and takin’ long showers
Really warm oils, potpourri and goin’ on dates
Them that don’t know him won’t like him
And them that do sometimes won’t know how to take him
He ain't wrong he’s just different and his gay pride won’t let him
Do things to make you think he’s straight

CHORUS:

John Wayne is rollin' over in his grave,

Eric

MoJoTyCo Music Publishing
A Division Of JenEric Music Inc.
Copyright BMI 2006

Discount Adult Toys

2006-02-21T12:16:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

I went down to the Christy's Toy Box the other day to buy some adult goodies for my wife and I. The trouble is, I was to broke to buy the good stuff so I had to buy from the discount, bargain, closeout, discontinued bin. I bought a boob puzzle that had three nipples on it and I bought a fake wiener for my wife and it only had one nut.

My Bologna has a first name..........

Eric

Valentines Day Crotchless Underbritches

2006-02-14T11:05:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

I love Valentines Day but I’m not really the romantic type. Last year I got my wife some Quick Trip taquitoes, a six pack of Old Milwaulkee and then melted a bunch of Snickers candy bars into the ice cube trays, complete with tooth picks. Also, you know those fancy Victoria Secret women's under drawers with the fronts cut out of them? Well I can't afford those, so I took the scissors and cut holes in a few of my wife's drawers and gave 'em to her. I thought all of that was gonna go over good. Let me tell you something: I was WAY wrong.

Love is a four letter word,

Eric

Lingerie Bowl

2006-02-03T09:37:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

Coming up Sunday it's gonna be the greatest game ever played. I'm not talking about the Super Bowl. It's the annual Lingerie Bowl!!! A bunch of Supermodels get together and play full contact football in nothing but Lingerie. God bless America!!! I'm saluting right now. I'm not much of a football fan. I'm more of a NASCAR and bullriding guy. But I will tune in and watch the Lingerie Bowl during the halftime of the Super Bowl. Good Lord, Jesus and Victoria's Secret!!!!! I wish it was a shirts vs skins game!!! Gives a whole new meaning to the "tight end" position. Instead of using a traditional football (pigskin) the girls will be throwing around a special football made out of camel toe!!!!! Plus I'm also gonna be snackin' on some great Lingerie Bowl goodies during the game:

1) Pigs In A Blanket
2) Chicken - Legs, thighs and breasts!!!
3) Hooters hot wings
4) Milk

Hut, hut, hut,

Eric

Grillin' At The QT

2006-01-23T13:55:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

I got kicked out and banned from the Quik Trip the other day. I went in there and bought me a package of hotdog buns and a package of wieners. Simple enough huh? Well, there's a burn ban going on right now in Tulsa, Oklahoma so you can't grill outside. Sooooooooooo, I opened up them wieners and put them on that rotatin' wienerer machine that they have down there at the QT. Figured I'd have me a cookout right there by the lotto machine. Well, when my wieners were done I popped open them buns and made me some hotdogs. I went ahead and covered them with relish, mustard and ketchup that the QT has supplied right there. Well, on my way out the door with my grilled stadium steaks I was stopped by the management and kindly told never to come back.

Can someone buy a lottery ticket for me?

Eric

Rehab

2006-01-16T13:10:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

Pray for me ya’ll. I’m currently in rehab. Rehab on my knee that is. I fell down one night while I was out drinkin' and now I'm going to rehab once a week.......for my knee, not my drinkin!!!

You don't care about what I think
Think I'll just stay here and drink
Merle Haggard,

Eric

Method Acting

2006-01-09T13:03:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

Friday night's are my nights that I take my acting classes. Right now I'm into method acting, that's where you actually go out and do what your character would do. So.....I'm out most Friday nights picking up hookers at strip bars and calling it "research" for a role. It's a role about a local preacher!!!!

Dad gum that's funny,

Eric

Oversized Balls

2006-01-03T13:16:00.002-08:00

Hay Gang,

Have you ever seen those golfers that use those oversized drivers? My dad uses those Big Bertha drivers. It’s a bigger club head so you have a larger sweet spot to hit the ball with. You never see oversized equipment in other sports. You never see bowlers step up to the line with a bowling ball the size of a beach ball or baseball players get up to bat with a bat the size of a caveman club.

I used to date a girl we called Big Bertha,
Luv ya Big Bertha,

Eric

What I Wanted vs What I Got

2005-12-27T13:26:00.000-08:00

Hay Gang,

I hope you got everything you wanted for Christmas. I did all right this year, but what I got wasn’t exactly what I wanted.

What I Wanted: New Stetson Cowboy Hat
What I Got: Knitted stocking hat

What I Wanted: Gun Rack For My Truck
What I Got: Big Foot Monster Truck Air Freshener

What I Wanted: Shania Twain DVD
What I Got: Richard Simmons Sweatin’ To The Oldies Tape

Feliz Navid,

Eric

Naked Nativity Scene

2005-12-20T09:57:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

I just found out that my favorite stripper got the lead part in the live naked nativity scene they do every year down at the titty bar. I’m real proud of her. She’s so excited cause this year it’s got a live donkey, sheep and there’s plenty of camel toe too.!!!

Ho, ho, ho

Eric

Yeager Meister

2005-12-12T10:34:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

Me and the family sat down and watched "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" the other night. Remember that old classic. Man it was great. It brought back all those old memories. Remember that Yeager-Meister, Meister-Yeager. He was the town mayor that abolishied domestic alcohol.

Good times, good times.

Eric

Redneck Yacht Club

2005-12-05T13:54:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

Ya'll heard that new song "Red Neck Yacht Club" by Craig Morgan? They've got one of them yacht clubs down at the pond where I go fishin. I tried to join but they said that my Johnson wasn't big enough!!!! Dang that's funnier than hearin' retards cussin'.

PS,
For those of you unfamiliar with boat terminology, Johnson is a boat engine maker. The bigger the Johnson, the more horse power and hence the faster the boat.

Yo Ho Ho
And A Bottle Of Rum,

Eric

Stinky Places And Good Parts

2005-11-28T15:05:00.000-08:00

Hay Gang,

Lately I’m getting confused when I get into the shower. My wife buys two bars of soap for our shower. One soap is for the “Stinky Places” and the other bar of soap is for the “Good Parts.” So, now when I get into the shower I have to figure out my parts. Some parts are easy to figure out while others aren’t. Feet = stinky place. Underarms = stinky place. Crotch = hopefully she thinks it’s a good part and not a stinky place but I’m not sure. Hind End = Hopefully she thinks it’s a good part but at times it’s a stinky place. And really, that’s why I’m in the shower in the first place, cause all my places are stinky and I’m trying to make them good parts.

Rub A Dub, Dub,

Eric

Cowboy Bill Martin

2005-11-21T18:40:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

Here’s a picture of me, Cowboy Bill Martin and my brother Terry. Cowboy Bill has a new CD/DVD coming out. It’ll be available online beginning December 13th and in stores on February 2nd. Cowboy Bill is a funny, funny guy. He’s toured with the Blue Collar guys, Rodney Carrington and opens for George Strait on a regular basis. Check out Cowboy Bills’ website at: http://www.cowboybill.com/ Look for me and my brother singing “Feelings” along with George Jones on the bonus part of the DVD.

Oh, Oh, Oh Feelings,

Eric

Broken Big Toe

2005-11-14T15:00:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

I broke my big toe on my left foot over the weekend. I went out drinkin’ and my buddies got me to ride a mechanical bull down at the honky-tonk. Well, that thing bucked me off, dropped me down in the well and then I hung a spur and it drug me around the dang place. By the time the rodeo clowns distracted the bull and got me untied, the dang bull had stomped me and broken my toe.

Lane Frost I Ain’t,

Eric

Bass Pro Shop

2005-11-07T15:04:00.000-08:00

Hay gang,

The new Bass Pro Shop opened up here the other day. I love that place. Where else can you can go in and buy 100 pounds of stink bait, a nice new camouflage shirt, boots and hats, a bass boat, a gun, a magazine, a huntin’ and fishin’ license and some beef jerky all in the same place?.................... And that’s just in the bathroom!!!

Dad Gum I Love That Camo and Ammo (those are my kids names)

Eric

Dykes

2005-11-01T14:30:00.000-08:00

Hay Gang,

I was watching coverage of the floods down in New Orleans caused by the hurricane and I started to think about that old picture of the boy with his finger stuck in the hole in the dyke. I once stuck my finger in the hole of a dyke. She got really pissed and then her girlfriend beat the hell out of me!!!

It's Floodin' Down In Texas,
(SRV)

Eric

Larry The Cable Guy

2005-10-24T17:29:00.000-07:00

Hay Gang,

Here we are singing some good old hymns backstage before the revival. "How Great Thou Art, How Great Thou Art." My good buddy Larry The Cable Guy has a new book, and it's full words and everything. I was hoping it would be a pop up book but you can't have everything you wish for. The new book comes out on October 25th and it is called "Larry The Cable Guy, Git-R-Done." I helped him come up with that catchy title. Make sure you get one of the first edition copies cause there's a screw up in the book and they left out chapter six. The second edition books have already been printed with that corrected. So, get your first edition, screwed up Larry book. The book goes into detail about how Larry got started in the comedy business, how he got his name Larry The Cable Guy and how he came up with "Git-R-Done" and lots of other fun stuff about midgets and whiskey and things. So.......if ya wanna find out all the mysteries that make up Larry The Cable Guy, git down to your local bait and tackle shop and git ya one. It's funnier than watchin' fat folks riding them motorized scooters!!!

Git-R-Done!!!

Eric

Scratch And Sniff Lottery

2005-10-17T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

As most of you know, as of the other day you can now buy lottery tickets here in Oklahoma. So I went out and bought a lottery ticket. I didn’t buy one of those scratch off lottery tickets at Quik Trip like I should have. Instead, I went down to “Yanks Bait And Tackle Shop” and bought me one of them scratch and sniff lottery tickets. Didn’t win nothin’ but now my truck smells like a pomegranate.

Peace, Love and Understanding,

Eric

Corndog Tattoo

2005-10-10T14:07:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I just got done broadcasting live from the fair for 10 straight days. I really had a lot of fun doing the PRCA Rodeo for two nights and being the MC for a couple of great concerts from Dierks Bentley, Cross Canadian Ragweed, The Great Divide and Charlie Robison. To remember all the good times I had over the last week and a half, I got a corndog tattooed on my right arm. When I flex my muscle it looks like the mustard is running down the side. That's just damn sexy that is.

Just like Travis Tritt sang: “I Smell C-O-R-N-D-O-G!!!!

Eric

Kenny Chesney/Uncle Kracker

2005-09-26T16:40:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

What’s the REAL reason Renee Zellweger is divorcing Kenny Chesney? It’s because she’s sick of Kenny eating Kracker (I mean crackers) in bed every night.

Everything tastes better on a Ritz!!!

Eric

Texas Hold 'Em And Calf Fries

2005-09-19T16:21:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

A buddy of mine called me the other day to go out to a local honky-tonk and play some poker, eat some beef jerky and drink some beer. Well, about an hour into it my weird buddy Hitch showed up and wanted to play. So……we told Hitch that we were gonna play a new game called “Oklahoma Hold ‘Em.” The object of the game: eat as many calf fries as you can while chugging homemade moonshine and trying to find the one-eyed Jack. Next week we’re takin’ Hitch on a Snipe hunt. Yee Haw!!!!!!

My biscuits is burnin!!!

Eric

My New Truck

2005-09-12T15:42:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I bought me a new truck last Monday. Yep, after careful consideration I bought me a garbage truck. Oh, and I love it a bunch and I've already put it to good use. Earlier today I was cutting down a bunch of tree limbs so I just loaded them up in my new truck and took 'em out to the dump. Oh, and my wife and kids love the new truck too. I don't have to worry about my daughter throwing down candy wrappers on the floor board and my two boys love to ride standing up on the back bumper.

Tell me why?
I don't like Mondays.
I want to shoot The whole day down. (Boomtown Rats)

Eric

Dentists And Lap Dances

2005-09-06T16:07:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

Went to my dentist this morning for my routine 6 month cleaning. You know, traditionally nobody likes going to the dentist so he’s made it more fun. While I was waiting to get teeth worked on, his staff detailed my truck, I got a nice lap dance from his dental hygienist and I got a cool new tattoo.

Can’t wait for my next visit,

Eric

Treadmills And Gas

2005-08-31T15:32:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

So I went to All American Fitness again this morning to do my daily workout. Like I’ve said before, I work out at the same time as a big group from a nearby old folks home, so you can’t shake a stick without hitting an old timers walker. Well, I’m busy doing my 30 minutes on the treadmill when one of the many old folks around me gets EXTREMELY GASSY!!!!!! Good Lord, Jesus and Hiroshima!!! There I was on the treadmill walking my buns of steel off and my damn eyebrows are getting burned off from the local geriatric gassers. And then…………………………yep you guessed it.

When In Rome………….

Eric

Factory Second Adult Toys

2005-08-23T12:02:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I went down to the Christy’s Toy Box the other day to buy some goodies for my wife and I. The trouble is, I was to broke to buy the good stuff so I had to buy from the discount, bargin, closeout, discontinued bin. I bought a boob puzzle that had three nipples on it and I bought a fake wiener for my wife and it only had one nut.

One toke over the line,

Eric

Legends, Donkeys and Hubert

2005-08-16T15:25:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

The other day Roger Tillison invited me and the wife and kids over to his farm to ride his horses and feed his donkey Guido. If you don't know who Roger Tillison is, do your musical homework for the day at: www.rogertillison.com or http://theband.hiof.no/ or any number of cool music sites. Go ahead and Google him. He's a legend. He's got a HUGE spread and I felt honored just being there. Anyway, we all had a blast with the horses, his fat donkey and the biggest dog I've ever seen. The dog, Hubert, is a HUGE English mastiff that weighs over 150 lbs and he's scared of everything including grasshoppers. My 5-yr old son Ty terrorized this dog that's 5 times his size. Roger damn near set his cat on fire. We were in the house just talkin' about song writin and Roger lit up a cigarette. Roger's cat is deaf and only has one eye. Well, this cat sat down on Roger's ashtray that had his lit cigarette and damn near burned the whole place down. I just wanted to say thanks to Roger for having me and my family out and I can't wait for the BBQ that he's planning. I'll be the star-struck guy out there hangin' 'round the BBQ pit with all these hugely famous musicians.

Well I ain't high on cocaine
I don't need the pain
Bad for your brain that's true
I ain't playin' no games
I ain't droppin' no names
I'm just one step ahead of the blues
(Roger Tillison)

Eric

Mexican Shoes

2005-08-08T16:23:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I was driving home the other day and I decided to stop at one of those roadside corner booths that sell tennis shoes. This Mexican feller was selling tennis shoes from the street corner for $8 a pair so I figured I’d get me a good deal. Well, I got me a pair of “Nike” Air Jordan’s and took ‘em home to show my wife. When I got home and looked a little closer the “Nike” was actually “Mike” and the “Air Jordan” was actually “And Gordon.” So………I bought me an $8 pair of “Mike And Gordon” tennis shoes. Oh well, next week I’m going back to get me a pair of $12 “Red Ding” boots.

If the shoe fits……………….

Eric

Drugs And Mom

2005-08-01T15:23:00.000-07:00

Hay Gang,

It's about time for a confession. Yep it's true, I have a drug problem. Growing up my Mom drug me to church every Wednesday night and then twice on Sunday I'd get drug there again. My Mom drug me there unit it became a habit. See, Mom's know "drugs lead to habits." Now that I'm an adult it still seems I have a drug problem, but now I get drug to the shopping malls, yarn barns, parks and what nots.

Thank God for Moms,

Eric

Foreign Made U.S. Things

2005-07-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

Well I went back to the Army Surplus store again the other day. This time I's looking for a new bag to use as a briefcase for work. Sure enough I found a bunch of drab Army-green bags but all the tags said "Made In Belgium" on 'em. What the hell!?!?!?!?!? I'm in a U.S. Army Surplus store and they're being supplied by the Belgians. That's like going to Taco Bell and ordering the "authentic Mexican platter" only to find out that it's being made by Yank the part-time school bus driver from Bixby, Oklahoma (nowhere near Mexico).

In the immortal words of Def Leppard: "Pour Some Sugar On It!!!!!"

Eric

Deer Ticks And Ted Nugent

2005-07-18T15:03:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

What a long strange trip it’s been. While I was busy “relaxing” at my cabin on the lake a few weeks ago I got bit by a Deer Tick and was diagnosed with Lyme Disease. Bad, bad, mojo. Even the hair on my head hurt. But I did discover something interesting about Deer Ticks during one of my many recent visits to the hospital. I was reading an interview with Ted Nugent in a recent edition of the magazine “Hog Hunter” and it turns out that Ted originally wrote the song “Cat Scratch Fever” about Deer Ticks. He even cut an early demo of the song called “Deer Tick Fever.” If you run across a copy on the internet, please download a copy for me. Seems Ted played the song for his record label and they liked the groove but they made him re-write it to the version you know and love today.

Wango Tango,

Eric

Off .............On Vacation

2005-06-30T15:23:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

Heading out on a much needed vacation for about 10 days. Heading up to my cabin to unwind a bit. I'll update the blog when I get back with some fun new adventures.......hopefully. When I'm looking for adventures I just always think "What Would Willie Do."

On The Road Again,

Eric

I Deserve Nice Things

2005-06-27T13:54:00.000-07:00

Hay Gang,

My wife has been complaining that I don't dress nice enough, so I decided to go out and get some nice things to update my look. Well, I went down to the Army Surplus store at 41st and Memorial and picked out a few nice, new things. First off, I got a new 50 mm ammo box. I'll take that to work and use it as a lunch box. Second off, I got a bunch of new rations to put in my new lunch box. Third, I picked up some new camouflage thong underwear. Trouble is: now I can't find 'em anywhere cause they blend right in with my camouflage couch, refrigerator, bed, dog, carpet, tooth brush, swimsuit, leisure suit etc...... Next, I got some nice dress blue slacks, shirt, jacket, socks, shoes and medals. Well, I looked so good in 'em I decided to wear 'em to church. Man, what a difference some nice clothes make. I had people coming up to me and telling me what a wonderful job I'd done and telling me that I'm a hero and such. Next, I'm gonna go get a four star generals uniform and see how good I'll be treated. I deserve it.

Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes!!!!

Eric

Happy Belated Fathers Day

2005-06-23T15:34:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

Every year some folk wait until the week after Christmas to buy all their presents so they can take advantage of the "After Christmas Sales" and save a few nickles. Well, this year I did the same thing for Fathers Day. Earlier today I went in search of discounted Dad's Day goodies. Good Lord, Jesus, and TG&Y!!! I scored big. Here's what I got my Dad this year for Fathers Day:

A Marlboro Wind Breaker (Mom's Jealous)
A Case of Slim Jims (Grandma's Jealous)
A Slightly used gun cleaning kit. (The blood wiped off easily enough)
The Little Jimmy Dickens CD Box Set (I'm Jealous)

Favorite quote from my Dad: "If there's grass in the infield, play ball!!!"

Eric

Open 24 Hours, But Not In A Row.

2005-06-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I joined a gym about 6 weeks ago and have been working out every day since. I joined this particular gym because it's close to my house and it's "Open 24 Hours A Day." I like to work out at odd hours so it's perfect for me. Well, this morning at 7:30am I went to the gym for my daily routine. When I got there the little blonde "Barbie Doll" that normally works at the front desk was standing out front saying that when she got there at 5:30am the gym doors were locked and she didn't have a key to get in and she didn't know how long it'd be before we could get in to work out. I asked her why a gym that's "Open 24 Hours A Day" even had locks on the doors. I think that confused the hell out of her. She told me that "they're open 24 hours a day, but just not in a row." That' makes about as much sense as Rosie O'Donnell getting a lap dance from a Chippendale dancer.

No pain, no gain,

Eric

Peter Pan

2005-06-08T07:42:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

Went and saw the Tony Award winning Broadway Musical Peter Pan last night here in Tulsa. Great production and an awesome show. It runs through Sunday so get on out and see it. There was a lady that sat behind me that had one of those snorting laughs. Everytime something funny would happen she'd "snort" like a raging bull. I just wanted to gather up some of that Tinkerbell magic fairy dust and cram it right down her Horshack throat. By gosh, there should be some theater etiquettee requiring snorters to sit in their own section of the theater like the cripple people. That way they only disturb themselves. And here's something I don't understand: Peter Pan, a little boy, was played by that famous gymnast Cathy Rigby. Shouldn't it have been called "Peter-less Pan."

Like the usher said to me after the show last night, "I really loved that Freddy "Boom Boom" Washington but dang, that Horshack is talented."

Eric

Throwin' Down Gang Signs

2005-06-06T15:49:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I went to the park with my kids the other day and there were these two gang members there. I watched ‘em for quite awhile throwing down gang signs. So finally I got my kids outta there and called the cops. Cops get there and question these gang members. Turns out they were just a couple of deaf guys talking in sign language to each other.

Deaf, dumb and blind,

Eric

Auto Parts Store Girl

2005-06-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

Hay Gang,

I was on the road last week with my buddies The Great Divide. Coming back to Oklahoma from Concan, Texas, Micah (lead singer) and I sat down and wrote a pretty love song dedicated to a cute girl that we met at the local auto parts store in Denton, Texas.

Auto Parts Store Girl

CHORUS:
I fell in love with the girl from the auto parts store
She’s got all the parts that I’m lookin’ for
Every time I come in she loves to check my oil
I fell in love with the girl from the auto parts store

She’s got a set of headlights that’ll make you blind
And Lord her muffler is one of a kind
She’s got a shiny bumper that’s as big as a tree
Yea she’s built for comfort and not for speed

CHORUS:

When she lubed up my chassis Lord her hands were soft
And it felt pretty good when she took the jack off
She’s got her name on her shirt and my grease on her sleeve
That’s right I got some headers like you wouldn’t believe

CHORUS:

Copyright BMI 2005
MoJoTyCo Music Publishing
A Division of JenEric Music Inc.

The Burger King Mascot

2005-05-31T16:01:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

Someone tell me what’s up with that freaky Burger King Mascot. Good Lord, Jesus and Arby’s Horsey Sauce!!! That guy scares the hell out of me. “Have It Your Way” my rock hard butt. I had a dream last night that I went to the drive through at Burger King and when I got to the window, that dang mascot was there and he said that he was gonna “Biggie size it for me and this time he’d have it his way!!!” I think The Colonel from Kentucky Fried Chicken and Wendy, the mascot from Wendy’s, hooked up and spawned that dang Burger King Mascot.

Peace and chicken grease, (props to Cody from Ragweed)

Eric

Shed The Psychic - June Predictions

2005-05-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

The other day I decided to go see a psychic for the first time. This guy was a trip. His name is Shed and he's an old country dude that doesn't gaze into a crystal ball to see the future, but instead gazes into his commemorative NASCAR plates. Seems he was at the race track one day when Buddy Baker blew a right front tire and a piece of that tire hit Shed in the head and they had to put a metal plate in there. Ever since that day, Shed has been hitting a "ground rule double" of predictions on stuff that hasn't happened yet. I plan on going to see Shed The Psychic once a month to get some good predictions for ya. Here's what he told me that's gonna happen in the month of June:

1) A video of Bo Bice from American Idol will be found. In it, Bo shaves his head and has a three way with Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson.
2) Wendy's will start serving finger foods.
3) Merle Haggard will go out on tour with Elton John and Wynonna Judd. It'll be called: "The Hag, Fag and Sag Tour."

As Shed The Psychic says, "If it's gonna happen, I'll shed some light on it."

Eric

Jarod From Subway And Hooters

2005-05-24T11:23:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

So I was on the Stairmaster at the gym today and I'm watching the TV that's right in front of my Stairmaster and a Subway Sandwich commercial comes on featuring Jarod. If you remember, Jarod's that big 350lb dude that ate Subway sandwiches till he got thin. I found myself looking at Jarod and wishing I was as "in shape" as him. I was becoming envious of Jarod. Isn't that one of the signs that the world is coming to an end? My life's over. Also, as I was sweatin' to the oldies right there on the Stairmaster, I had an idea for a new restaurant. All the guys I know love to go to Hooters to check out the girls and scarf some tasty wings. Well, how about a restaurant that women could go to and check out the guys and scarf some tasty treats too? The Hooters sign features a big owl, so my restaurant sign would feature a big rooster. It'd be called "Cocks." Ladies, come on down to "Cocks" and swallow up some of our tasty treats. The guys would be dressed in tight shorty shorts and stuff 'em with "cock" socks. Or...........the mascot could be a big woodpecker and the name of the place would "Peckers." Either way, you get the giz of it!!!

Stay lean and mean,

Eric

Gamblin' And Cute Pit Bosses

2005-05-20T13:13:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

Ok, so I broke down and went to a casino for the first time yesterday. I actually didn’t gamble cause I just wanted to check it out and save my money for next time. I went to that casino called, “Monte Casnio” and all I saw were a bunch of slot machines that looked like school lockers. I’ll try that “Monte Casino” again this weekend. This time I’ll put some coins in those locker slots and give that combination a spin and I’ll let you know if I’m a winner or not. Dang those pit bosses all looked like young school girls in uniform.

Keep ramblin’ and gamblin’

Eric

The Great Divide

2005-05-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

Here's a picture of me with The Great Divide and John Cooper and Brad Piccolo from the Red Dirt Rangers. The Great Divide came by last night and hung out and played some acoustic tunes. Their new cd "Under Your Own Sun" is awesome. Go out and get you one and go see them live on the 28th of this month at Grand Lake along with Tracy Byrd. I've never met Tracy but I've heard she's real cute. I'll be there for sure. Look for me to get on stage with them and play guitar during "Can't You See." Seriously, some of the nicest guys around in the world today. I'm honored to call them friends. Ask Micah about his "unique" way of losing weight. Ask JJ about the "Casino" he goes to and ask Scotte about his Kenny Chesney shirt. Did you notice that Kelley Green, the bass player for The Great Divide, is not in the photo? He was having a bad hair day so he took the picture. He’s EXTREMELY sensitive about his hair, or lack there of.
Queer or not I love those guys.

Fly On,

Eric

Good Drugs And First Workouts

2005-05-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

Last Friday my Doctor prescribed Flexareal, (sp) a muscle relaxer, for my neck pain. I took those pills over the weekend and I tell you what, I've lost about three days so far. All I remember is going swimming in the baptismal pool at church and waking up in the dog house out by the barn at my place. I still had neck pain all weekend but screw it, I just didn't care anymore. If you know of a good church please email me, cause they won't let me back in my church after I started doing cannonballs and playing "New Testament, Old Testament" instead of "Marco Polo." Also, I went to my new gym this morning and did my first workout in about 8 years. Good Lord they got a bunch of new weight equipment in there. Back when I used to work out at the YMCA there was just a medicine ball and a set of those Jack LaLaine springs. Now there's all kinds of new fangled contraptions. But I gotta tell ya, I do like those thongs that them women wear to work out in. I was on the treadmill with a girl stretching beside me in one of them thongs. The treadmill I was on had one of them heart rate monitors on it. I had only been walking about 30 seconds when I started looking at that woman stretching and my heart rate shot up to about 160. Now that's my kinda workout.

No pain no gain!!!!!

Eric

Shooter Jennings

2005-05-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

Here I am backstage with Shooter Jennings (Waylon Jennings son). Dig his shirt: "What would Waylon Do?"

Captain Underpants And High Blood Pressure

2005-05-13T17:05:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

Well it's official.......I'm now my Dad. I went to the Doctor this morning for this cronic pain in my neck. Turns out, my neck pain is............just neck pain. Damn, did I really need someone with a medical degree to tell me that? Slappy the toll booth operator could have told me that, and I would have saved $75 for an office visit. Plus, just for drivin' down to his toll booth, Slappy'll give you a free rectal exam and a lollipop. Turns out now I have high blood pressure. Doctor told me to join a gym. I went out and joined three gyms but honestly I don't know how just joining a gym is gonna help my blood pressure. Maybe when you see how much it costs to join it sends the blood really pumpin' through your veins. Wish me luck. Also, my kids brought home a bunch of new books called "The Adventures Of Captain Underpants." If you don't like reading to your kids much, get ahold of these books and your kids will have to pry them from your hands. I sent my kids to the library to get me (ummm I mean them) more of them funny underpants books.

Stay clean and mean,

Eric

Voting And Smokey Joe's Cafe'

2005-05-10T14:43:00.000-07:00

Gang,

I got out and voted today. Yep, I exercised my rights as an American. That's the most exercise I've had in months. Feel the burn!!!! Gonna go to the theater tonight to check out the Broadway Musical "Smokey Joe's Cafe." Can't wait, that outta be cool. My neck's really sore. Gonna FINALLY go to the doctor and find out the problem there.

Take care,

Eric

Mother's Day and Little Baby Ducks

2005-05-06T15:48:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

It's Mothers Day this Sunday. Get her something nice this year for God's sake. I got my Mom some Skoal Bandits, a Little Jimmy Dickens cassette tape and enrolled her in the beer of the month club. She'll get a different can delivered to her house each month. See, it don't take much to make Mom happy. Saw a mother duck last night walking her little baby duckling across the street. A car came along and hit the baby duck. Now, I don't think that ducks faces can show emotion, but I swear I looked into this mother ducks eyes and she was confused, sad, and wildly hysterical. She just stood in the middle of the road looking down at her dying baby duck. Man, I'll never forget that baby duck or it's mother.

Word to your Mother,

Eric

Jessi Colter and Waylon's Guitar

2005-05-02T16:08:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I went to the Shooter Jennings (www.shooterjennings.com) concert at the Wormy Dog in Oklahoma City over the weekend. That dude rocks. We need more of Shooter's kind of country music. Put the "O" back in C_untry. His show is incredible. If he's within a few hours driving distance I'd reccommend going to see this dude anytime. He's gonna be huge. I had backstage passes for the show, but his mom (Jessi Colter) showed up unannounced so they cancelled the backstage meet and greets. I was there as a guest of Shooter's record company so they went ahead and let me backstage. So, I got to hang with Shooter Jennings and Jessie Colter all evening. I even saw Waylon's famous black Fender Telecaster guitar backstage. Cool huh? Honestly, Shooter and Jessi are two of the nicest people I've ever met in this business. I didn't know they were so short though. If Jessi stood on Shooter's shoulders she still wouldn't be able to look me in the eye. Jessi Colter is pushing 60 years old and she's still one of the most beautiful women around. My dad's jealous.

Eric

The Boss, Shooter and Hank III

2005-04-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

I'm going to see Hank Williams III tomorrow (Thursday) night at the Cain's Ballroom here at in Tulsa with my good buddy Nick Gibson (www.nickgibson.net) Hank III and Ass Jack always put on a very "interesting" show. Saturday night I'm heading down to Oklahoma City to the Wormy Dog to check out Shooter Jennings (Waylon Jennings son). Shooter's debut cd "Put The O Back In Country" is the best cd I've heard in years. It really kicks butt!!! Also, was flipping channels last night and ran across a Storytellers show on VH1 featuring Bruce Springsteen. Bruce played acoustic guitar, piano and harmonica for an hour and eplained the lyrics of the songs. Man, now I get it.

Eric

Red Headed Stranger and Mis-Matched Socks

2005-04-25T14:31:00.000-07:00

Hay gang. What a busy weekend. I played an acoustic gospel show in Stillwater with my good buddy Mike Warehime. Man that was a blast!!! Can't wait to do more of those around Oklahoma. My two newest cd's I got are "Luke The Drifter" which is Hank Williams alter ego. It's very dark material but man it's great. I also got a copy of Willie Nelson's "Red Headed Stranger" on cd. Love those concept records, and Willie's is one of the best. It's the end of a laundry cycle, so I'm wearing socks that don't match.

Peace in the east.

Eric

Friday Happenings

2005-04-22T15:14:00.000-07:00

I bought yet another pair of cowboy boots earler today. I must have about 20 pairs by now. This latest pair is an very soft leater wingtip Tony Lama cowboy boot. Also, I chatted with Hank Williams III earlier and he's excited about coming back to Tulsa next Thursday to play at the Cain's Ballroom. Gimme an email and I'll see about gettiin' you some tickets. He's always awesome in concert. Gonna go see my good buddies Cross Canadian Ragweed next Friday night in Stillwater. Can't wait to hop on their bus for a few dozen beers.

Eric

Plans for the week

2005-04-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

Here it is Monday again. Workers are at my house right now putting in a new heating/air conditiong overhead vent system. My old floor vents rusted out. Money, money, money. I've got an acoustic show coming up this Sunday in Stillwater, Oklahoma at the Nazarene Church. I'll be doing four songs during the church service and then playing an hour long concert after the service. My good buddy, Mike Warehime (www.mikewarehime.com) is stepping in to help out as well.

Eric

Hay From Tulsa

2005-04-16T05:32:00.000-07:00

Hay gang,

First attempt at this, hope it works. Busy day today, writers conference from 8am till noon then live at East Tulsa Dodge from 1pm-4pm.

See ya when I see ya,

Eric